After “Where are you now?” the question we’re most frequently asked is “Are you two still together?” Well, personal drama is always somewhat more interesting and compelling than yet another travel story, but what about the fact that we’ve been able to make peace with each other having spent every waking and sleeping minute side by side for 290 days (and counting)?
Today, on our sixth anniversary since we began dating and after almost 10 months of living our dream, we’ve learnt a thing or two about the good, the bad and the ugly of travelling as a couple.
Sharing the same dream
While some couples dream of owning a house or a new car, we dreamed of taking a year or two off to explore unknown paths, sleep under the stars and meet random people around the world.
Travelling with your significant other means navigating the rocky road together. It means skipping many concerts and fun nights out with friends to save some extra bucks for that next plane ticket. You’ll find yourself having arguments and fights when planning your dream trip. Of course there are many difficulties to overcome, but in the end if you’re both on the same page, your compromises won’t feel so bad after all.
For us, it took four years of dreaming and visualising before actually making the decision and packing our bags. It started with taping a big map onto our living room wall, taking mini-vacations to countries we found exotic and affordable, hosting Couchsurfers from all over the world to establish connections and learning about fascinating places that we’d never heard of.
We often shared cool pictures and videos with each other that we’d found on the Internet, and spent hours discussing what these places might actually look like. We surrounded ourselves with seasoned travellers and learned from their experiences, making mental notes of useful tips and ideas. The stories you hear from others are often very inspiring and can help to fuel your dreams.
We fought and argued about when to go, how to go and why we should go. We also chickened out and lost sight of our goal, but finally motivated ourselves to get back on track and try even harder.
If you can dream it, you can achieve it. And doing it together is much more rewarding in the long run.
Having the same wanderlust gene
Travelling with a buddy is great! But does it mean the same thing for both of you?
When one person considers the package holiday option with plenty of sightseeing and city tours, the other might be horrified by thought of travelling in big organised groups. Before embarking on a long-term trip, it might be wise to take a few adventurous trips with return tickets to see how you cope with each other.
In 2010, we did our very first backpacker trip to Thailand. We didn’t know much more than what Lonely Planet had told us. It was our first time in Asia and first time in such an unfamiliar culture, so we travelled mostly by the book.
We discovered that we share about the same level of adventurousness, and that we’re both willing to step outside our comfort zones. We fancied street food over fine dining and took advantage of cheap sleeping arrangements instead of checking into overpriced hotels. We preferred walking around or driving a scooter to lounging on the beach. We shared a fascination with the Thai culture and fell deeply in love with the locals.
Our first trip together was a success, which encouraged us to travel more and for longer over the following years, and to do some more test runs before taking off for good.
Compromise is everything
There are tons of things we disagree on and argue about when on the road. Being together 24/7 gives us many opportunities to learn that we don’t always share the same vision, ideas and excitement levels. The only way to survive this madness is to make compromises on the go.
Some might find it strange when we say that money isn’t a big source of our arguments. It’s not because we have an unlimited budget, but because we both know we have €25–30 a day to spend between us, so all the decisions we make need to help us sustain this budget. Our daily disuputes are generally triggered by much simpler things such as:
– While Andre enjoys peeking into dark alleys and abandoned-looking buildings, I prefer to stand on crowded streets and wait for him
– While I relish walking, Andre gets a thrill out of taking local public transport, which can sometimes be quite extreme
– Andre can easily chill for a few days in a hammock reading a book or losing himself in a computer, while I start going crazy after just a few hours of being in relaxation mode
– I love pho soups while Andre prefers places that serve chicken and fried rice (even if there’s a chance the “chicken” might actually be pigeon), which can result in arguments about empty stomachs
All of these things sound fairly harmless, but there are days when even tiny preferences can lead to turmoil if not dealt with. So, how to compromise? Mutual understanding gets easier over time as you learn to deal with your partner’s temper.
Learning about the little mood monsters
There’s nothing worse than a moody travel companion, but you can gain great expertise in noticing the telltale signs of trouble creeping up.
As an example, we picked a really nice hostel in Hanoi, Vietnam, that had nightclubs on the first and fifth floors, and were given beds in a dorm full of partying staff on the third floor. Even with earplugs, I slept just two hours altogether, which meant a really rough day for Andre who had to keep me from snapping at hawkers selling stuff on the streets.
Every couple has their own problems and solutions – here are a few of ours:
The number one mood crisis offender is FOOD
Let’s be honest, we can all be a bit bitchy when hungry. It’s no wonder Snickers made commercials about it, stating we’re not quite ourselves when hungry. There’s even an ode to Snickers made by a couple from the US!
Lessons learned: ALWAYS carry some of your favourite snacks in your bag and you’ll be the hero of the day. Nuts for me, Snickers for Andre and we can live peacefully ever after. Also, whoever is the hungriest gets to choose a place to eat, for example the pho or the rice.
The second mood cracker is lack of SLEEP
I’m a really light sleeper and even earplugs don’t help much, while Andre has a hard time with rough sleeping surfaces that make him roll around all night.
Once when we were sleeping in a tent somewhere in Bulgaria, Andre’s mattress broke and the coldness of the ground woke him up. A night of staying partially awake meant trouble for the next day, with sleep deprivation catching up at every step.
Lesson learned: The unfortunate thing is that there isn’t much you can do about these kinds of crappy days. Just turn a blind eye, take 10 deep breaths before you begin to argue and try to be compassionate towards your partner. After all, one of you is well rested (hopefully), and sees the brighter side of life. These kinds of days are also good for doing some silly and cute things to make the grumpy one smile.
Last but not least – WAITING
Waiting for a car, waiting for a bus, waiting for a ferry, waiting for someone, waiting for someone to make sense and give you answers, waiting to get somewhere… Waiting sure can become agonising.
Let’s say you have to wait for a car for an unknown length of time and you know it will be dark in a couple of hours. If after an hour no cars have stopped to pick you up, it’s probably not an ideal place for hitchhiking. You’re probably also getting pretty damn hungry. One thing you can be certain of is that the trouble is most likely your partner’s fault. And it’s likely that your feelings towards each other will be mutual.
You might find yourself explaining to your partner why the other spot 100 metres south is much better. And somebody has to be responsible for the sign that’s too small to be seen from 500 metres away! What could be better than to argue your way out of the situation?
Lesson learned: There will be a day when you discover that waiting one or 10 hours doesn’t really make any difference. The more you get used to being on the road and master the skill of bringing something along to keep yourself entertained, the less daunting it will all feel. Playing a harmonica, reading a book or simply making up a stupid dance while waiting can be very rewarding. If not, you’ll just bug the crap out of each other. Also, sometimes standing 100 metres down the road can make a huge difference!
The good, the bad and the ugly
It’s true that travelling brings out the worst in us. There are days when you can’t get your head around anything and situations become overwhelming. Beds might have bugs, food might be spoiled, the guy sitting at the other table might look suspicious and the weather might be too hot to bear. It’s just too easy to spill everything you feel onto the person who is closest to you, the one that will probably try to do everything in his/her power to make you feel better.
Luckily there are only 24 hours in a day. The bad ones will either soon be forgotten or remembered with a smile as it’s likely the problem was pretty silly to start with. Just remember to stay childish – adults tend to think too much and overreact in many situations!
Travelling is a huge learning curve for both partners. You’ll discover something new about yourself every day and find yourself in situations that cannot be described on paper. You’ll learn to adapt to each new situation and every mood of your partner. This happens for most people on a daily basis, but travelling just makes it happen faster.
You’ll learn to be a cheerleader for the times when the other one is feeling low. You’ll be ready to act as solid as a rock for the times when they might be falling apart. You’ll find yourself utterly hating your travel buddy for no apparent reason, and then loving him/her endlessly the minute the problem is resolved.
You’ll also discover your ability to wear the same socks four days in a row, and learn to appreciate your partner’s smell when they haven’t showered for a few days. You’ll learn that stretched and well-worn clothes don’t make your partner even slightly less sexy. And having access to a shower and dabbing on some perfume will of course feel like the best thing ever.
All of these weird situations will make your travels worthwhile. There will be no shift in values if you don’t have any uncomfortable experiences, so embrace them!
Prerequisites
What I’ve mentioned above may not be true for everybody, instead they’re things to keep in mind. Ideally both of you have similar hobbies and values. Although it’s possible for one person to be scuba diving while the other is climbing, it might be better if you can enjoy these experiences together. In the long term, it mightn’t work if, for example, one person spends their evenings in bars while the other eats alone at restaurants.
The pleasure of achieving shared goals doubles as you can cheer for yourself and the one beside you. Both of you need to be open and crave the same experiences, otherwise the roads might just part.
We’ve heard stories from many single nomads who haven’t yet found their perfect travel partner, but what could be a better way of finding one than when travelling? Then again, kudos to those who prefer to travel alone – you’re independent and having the time of your life. Travelling as a couple definitely isn’t for everyone!
Our two cents
To be honest, travelling with a partner can be the best decision you’ll ever make. You’ll always have someone to talk to, someone who’ll understand you a lot more than the others. Someone who’ll share your need to find a restaurant serving food that tastes like home. Someone who’ll get just as excited as you when you receive a package from your mother. Someone to share the candy she sent with.
It’s about building memories, sharing the same stories, feeling similar emotions and reminiscing together.
This is our secret sauce. What’s yours?
Kadri Uljas and Andre Eistre are a pair of entrepreneurs and adventurous travellers from Estonia. Read more about their journey on their blog Chasing Ventures.