You open your eyes one morning and are suddenly overcome by Bilbo Baggins-levels of wanderlust. All you want to do is kick open that old, boring door and see where your feet take you!
Alas, unlike our adventurous hobbit, you lack a magical pensioner to tag along with you. You don’t want to go alone, but everybody else is busy. Julia has to work. Mark’s at home with his new baby. Cindy’s on the run from the cops for selling organs on the black market. People can’t just abandon their responsibilities and dash into the unknown. Except for Cindy, of course. She’s a real wild card.
You’re not entirely out of luck, though. That one unused trump card is still safely tucked away up your sleeve. You pick up the phone and call the man who can make everything great again. You ask Donald Trump to be your travel buddy. Here are four reasons why that’s an awesome idea.
1. He’s good with money
What’s the beauty of Donald Trump? It’s certainly not his looks, unless you’re into racist white raisins being swallowed whole by gilded tufts of hair. I’ll let the man speak for himself:
Thanks, Big D. I’ll take it from here.
His net worth is estimated to be somewhere between three and 10 billion dollars, which is certain to come in handy while backpacking through Romania. Sure, you’re travelling on a budget, but you’d still like to treat yourself to a meal at a decent local place every now and then.
While your regular “friends” would just binge on fast food night after night, it would be no problem for The Donald to accompany you to one of Bucharest’s classier establishments to sample some traditional minced meat rolls. You’re still going to split the bill, though. The Chinese economy isn’t going to collapse on its own.
The fact that he has four bankruptcies and possibly 18 years of income tax evasion behind him doesn’t make him a crooked hypocrite. Quite the opposite; the man‘s a genius who can squeeze the best deal out of any situation.
Who in their right mind wouldn’t want a travel buddy with skills like that by their side? He’ll find you the best minced meat rolls in town. And he’ll make the waiter pay for them!
2. He’s even better with the ladies
You’re enjoying a refreshing lager near the Brandenburg Gate after Donald insisted you walk the entire length of the former Berlin Wall with him. As you’re pondering whether or not his weird fascination with walls says something about him as a person, you spot a couple of gorgeous women across the bar.
Wowza, they really have everything: two normal legs on each of them, eyes with which to take in their surroundings, and some hair! You dust off your best pick-up lines from The Notebook and spring into action.
But before you even manage straighten your man bun, there’s Donald, striding across the bar towards the ladies, flashing a smile as white as the complexion of an average Trump supporter.
What follows is a tornado of romance – Donald starts slow, calling the women “slobs”, then burrows his way into their hearts with compliments like “dogs” and “pigs”. The routine ends with the time-honoured “disgusting animals“ punchline and a hint that he’d like to see the women on their knees.
One of the women faints, probably because Cupid’s arrow punctured her self-esteem. The other signals for security, who do nothing because, as Trump was breaking hearts, his lawyers bought the bar. Such is the power of romance.
3. You can crash with his friends
When travelling on a budget, finding a quiet port to drop your anchor for the night can be a daunting task. This is especially true when you’re biking through the Syrian wilderness and, after taking a wrong turn, end up on the war-torn streets of Aleppo.
“Well, that’s a bummer“, you think, as the mortar shells send Like A Local city maps flying all over what used to be the tourist information centre.
Luckily, you have a seasoned world traveller by your side. All it takes is a quick phone call from Donald to President Bashshār al-Assad and you’re sitting in a cosy room, sipping arak out of what might be an actual human skull. Because Donald is not at all phased by Mr al-Assad’s tendency to get a bit genocidal and murderous-y when the rebels are at it again. After all, the man is leading his country and doing the best he can in a tough spot, unlike that schmuck Obama back home!
And just like that, Donald has made everything great again. Instead of gently sailing off to dreamland under a bullet-riddled park bench, you can choke on Bashshār’s zingers about why the chlorine gas canister crossed the road. They’re to die for!
Stranded in Moscow? The Big D is chums with Mr Putin and can get you a room overlooking the Red Square with only a minimal amount of wiretaps.
Hitchhiking around Turkey? He’ll hook you up with a chap called Erdoğan, whose greatest works include cracking down on a bunch of naysayers who were cross with him a while back.
The Donald has friends everywhere. All you need is a full battery and low moral standards.
4. He’ll give you space
A truly awesome travel buddy isn’t only open and friendly, but also understands that everyone needs some me time once in a while, even when on the road. With Donald, you’ll get the best of both worlds.
On the one hand, he can provide entertainment for hours, debating whether or not waterboarding (or some other new sport the hippies have come up with) is torture. On the other, nobody builds walls better than him.
Donald is all about boundaries and will give you the space you require. After all, we’re talking about a guy who’s ready to build a massive wall just to give the people of Mexico all the time they need to come to terms with the fact that they’re drug dealers and rapists. Wow, that’s consideration with a capital CON!
Being respectful of personal space and remaining honest towards your companions are useful traits when travelling, and in this, Trump towers above all.
So, the next time you’re taking the night bus from Tallinn to Riga and find your attention slipping as your companion raves about how global warming is Made in China, don’t feel guilty. During those blissful moments of silence, Donald can always focus in on his own reflection while gazing out the bus window and chat with the travel buddy he values the most.
Opening photo credit: DonkeyHotey