Stupid Shit Tourists Say

Jessica Braz • 8 Apr, 2016

The Like A Local Guide and Tallinn Traveller Tours teams have heard tourists say some pretty silly stuff over the years. We indulged in an afternoon of reminiscing and curated a tongue-in-cheek list of our favourites. Drum roll, please.

Stupid shit tourists say to tour guides

How much does the free tour cost?

Will we see ghosts on the Ghosts and Legends tour?

What time does the 12 o’clock tour start?

Which tram goes to Lahemaa? (Lahemaa is a national park 70 kilometres east of Tallinn)

I’m only booking the day trip if you can guarantee that we will see a bear, a moose, and a fox.

Stupid shit tourists say to locals

Tourist: Where are you from?
Estonian: Tallinn.
Tourist: Wooo, Thailand! Full Moon Par-tay!
Estonian: (Emphatically) Tallinn.
Tourist: Ah, Turin! Ciao bella!
Estonian: …

Tourist: Wow, you speak Indian?
One of our local ambassadors: Um, I speak Hindi, yes.
Tourist: Hindu, cool! Teach me some words!

Tourist: The food here is dis-gus-ting.
Local: That’s one way to put it…

80200323_2efeb7601c_oPhoto credit: minato

Tourist: You’re so lucky to live in Scandinavia! I heard you get FREE healthcare and FREE education and paid vacation and oh my gawd I’m SO jelly.
Scandinavians: Ever heard of taxes? Like, big ones?

Tourist: So, where are you from?
Local who doesn’t fit the national stereotype: Here!
Tourist: But where are you REALLY from?

You can’t be Swedish, you’re not blonde!

Stupid shit tourists say to me

Tourist: Where are you from?
Me: Australia. C’mon, be creative, name-drop Nick Cave and make my heart melt.
Tourist: Gidday mate! That’s not a knife! Steve Irwin! Are you from Sydney?
Me: (Sigh) Four hours west of Sydney.
Tourist: My cousin lives in Perth, maybe you know him! (Whips out smartphone and shows me the cousin’s Facebook profile picture)

You’re a beautiful aborigine! (true story)

Miscellaneous stupid shit tourists say

Tourist: Everything is SO cheap here!
Most of the world’s population: Ha ha hmm. For you… Can you not rub it in?

Tourist: I’ve done Europe. Actually, I did it just last summer. Epic place.
European: Yeah? You squeezed trips to Austria, Belgium, Bulgaria, Croatia, Cyprus, the Czech Republic, Denmark, Estonia, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Hungary, Ireland, Italy, Latvia, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Malta, the Netherlands, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Spain, Sweden, and the UK into a single summer? Assuming you’re referring to the EU member states and not the continent…
Tourist: I did the big ones, you know, Italy, Paris, Oktoberfest, London. Gonna do Asia next.

tourists_raymondPhoto credit: * Raymond

And finally, a funny story

Tourist: (Phone call) We’d like to book a tour for 1 pm today.
Tallinn Traveller Tours Chieftain: Sure! Would it be okay to meet in front of the tourist information point downtown?
Tourist: Where is it?
TTTC: It’s very close to the Town Hall Square. Do you have a map? It’s marked with a green ‘i’.
Tourist: We’ll find it. See you at 1 pm!

1 pm local time in Tallinn.

Tourist: (Phone call) We’ll be late. What’s the address? We’re taking a taxi.
TTTC: Niguliste 2.
Tourist: Wait! I’ll give the phone to the driver.
TTTC: (Speaking to the driver in Estonian) Tere! Palun tooge inimesed Niguliste 2 (Hi! Please bring them to Niguliste 2.)
Taxi driver: ???
TTTC: (Now speaking to the driver in Russian) Ulitz Niguliste tva. Starii gorod. (Niguliste 2. Old Town.)
Taxi driver: Sto? (What?)
TTTC: (Still Russian) Niguliste tva. Starii gorod. (Niguliste 2. Old Town.)
Taxi driver: Niguliste?
TTTC: Da, Niguliste tva. (Yes, Niguliste 2.)
Tourist: Did he get the address?
TTTC: Where are you right now? The taxi driver is confused and doesn’t speak Estonian.
Tourist: We’re next to the train station.
TTTC: What can you see around you? Maybe our guide can come and meet you there.
Tourist: There’s a park and the train station.
TTTC: Can you see a street name? Maybe you’re close to a bakery?
Tourist: Yes! Merkela iela! (in RIGA)

stephan_geyerPhoto credit: Stephan Geyer

What’s the silliest thing you’ve ever heard a tourist say? Jump over to Facebook or Twitter and share your funny stories, or leave a comment below.

Editor’s note: Several statements may have been embellished for added chuckles.

Opening photo credit: Pedro Ribeiro Simões

Jessica Braz
An adventurous Australian lass currently living in Malmö, smack bang on the Swedish-Danish border. Speech and language therapist by profession, editor and serial traveller by astral influence.

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    This one occurred during the guided tour of the Museum of Zheng He, in Malacca, Malaysia. The tour guide was talking about how the 15th century Chinese explorer and admiral, Zheng He, started out as an eunuch. An Australian girl in the group asked ‘What are eunuchs? Do they still have eunuchs in China?’
    Erwin • Nov 09, 2017 • Reply
    Tourists aren't the only ones. On a trip to Ireland, our Estonian guide announced there is no Irish language, there is only Gaelic. I tried to hide the Irish grammar in my hand. (Obviously, they keep mum on Celtic languages in English philology in Uni. of Tartu where she had studied.)
    Oop • Apr 14, 2016 • Reply
    On a recent trip to the Netherlands - I heard a tourist ask to see the site where " The little Dutch boy put his finger in the hole in the dam that kept Amsterdam from being flooded away😂
    Cheryl • Apr 13, 2016 • Reply
    Back on Spring 1998, when I had still believed budapest is worthy of my presence, I'd known the place very well; well enough, in fact, to show other people around, which I usually had lots of fun doing. So, one day, I was walking with two dumb american tourists there and the guy suddenly asks "which time-zone are we at?" THAT's how they squeeze all countries in just one trip... jump every day or two, from one to the next, so much so that they have a pretty hard time remembering where they are anymore (and add lots of alcohol to the equation, so... a vast number of tourists there, by the way, had believed budapest to be the capital of the czech republic) They know, I guess, that they're in Europe and not in China, but that's all, more or less...
    Danniel Qeletti • Apr 11, 2016 • Reply
    In Ireland tourist: You cant be Irish your not a red head. me (Irish person): less than 3% of Irish people have red hair. tourist: thats not true. tourist: what time does it stop raining? me: you do realize your in Ireland? tourist: where can I meet a leprechaun? me: em have you heard of folklore? they aren't real! tourist: lets ask someone else, this one doesn't know anything. tourist: omg your English is so good. me: English is my first language. We learn Irish for 30 minutes a day here. tourist: say something in Irish me: pog mo thoin
    Sandra • Apr 11, 2016 • Reply
    There are no comments yet. Be first!
    'jrom • Apr 11, 2016 • Reply
      I live on a tidal river on the bay of Fundy with the world's highest tides. The high and low tide is six and a half hours apart. The water at high tide is twenty seven feet deep, at low tide it is just a trickle. One day a man from Toronto was looking out at the high tide and I explained to him that in spite of how much water he sees now, when the tide is out, you can't really see any.. He asked how long to low tide. I told him about six hours. He thought about it for a moment and then asked, quite seriously.."is there any way to speed it up?" I kid you not.
      zoe onysko • Apr 11, 2016 • Reply
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